Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Dear? Depression,

Dear Depression,

I am using the word “dear” very loosely.  You’ve came to visit me again, and, guess what?  I don’t care.  Yes, you’ve made my days difficult at times.  You’ve made my emotions volatile.  You’ve made me weepy and teary eyed at times.  You’ve challenged me and my doctor to find a medication that works to raise my serotonin, and that’s been a challenge.  You’ve cost me sleep at night.  You’ve even given me some terrifying night mares.  You think you’ve won, don’t you?
I just thought you might need to hear this from me directly.

First of all, there is nothing dear about you.  My problems come from a chemical imbalance in my brain.  I didn’t do anything to deserve the imbalance, but it happened, and it happens to a lot of people.  Yes, you make it hard to live a normal life at times, but, even in my darkest moments there is light because I know these things.

Your stay is temporary.  Between my exercising and working to find the right medication, I’m going to be all right.  Even in my darkest moments, I see the light.  I know there is more than this, and you are not the stronger of us.  I might be down, but I’m getting up each day.  I get out of bed, and I put one foot in front of the other.  I make myself do what you would not like me to do, and that is::  I make a conscious decision each day TO CHOOSE JOY!

Every morning, when I wake up, I give thanks and praise to God for another day of life.  I ask Him to fill me with His joy.  Guess what, He does.  No, my days are not perfect, but they are my days.  Even in good times, we all have bad days.  They are not the end, they are only the beginning.

Yes, you make my days difficult, sometimes, but that only makes me appreciate the good days more.  When there are good days, I am so grateful for the beauty of the day.  I am grateful for the feel of wind in my face.  I am grateful for the songs of birds.  I am grateful for the rain and for the snow.  Depression, you’ve taught me more about beauty than you can ever imagine.

Depression, you test my emotional strength.  Oh, you’ve given me a great challenge!  There are times when all I want to do is cry.  You’ve laughed at me as I walked around my home trying to accomplish the simplest tasks without being able to finish anything.  What you don’t realize, depression, is that those days were, at best, difficult, but now, on these days, I’ve come to appreciate the beauty of being able to finish the simplest task and move on to the next one.  Depression, I might have stumbled, but I got up again.  I’m so much stronger than you’d like me to believe.  Luckily, I’m catching on to you.

Yes, I cry easily at times.  I don’t like to let people see that I’m crying, but people are kind to me.  They pray for me.  They send me their blessings.  Depression, I’m not in this alone.  I am so very grateful for my family and friends.  They help to hold me up when I am down.  Depression, that is a gift!

Just because the chemicals in my brain are unbalanced does not mean that they will always be this way.  You’ve tried, and you’ve tried hard, but you will not destroy my hope.  I’m better than you.  Depression, you’re just a simple test in life.  I’m bigger than you. Even if I stumble, I’ll still get up. 

You know those nights when I don’t sleep well, and those terrifying nightmares you cause me to have, guess what!   I know that nightmares are not real.  They might wake me up.  My heart might be pounding, but they ARE. NOT. REAL.  Nightmares can only cost me a little sleep.  That’s a minor setback in the scheme of life.  If that’s the best you can do, that’s not much.

Depression, you have no idea of the wonderful gifts you have given me.  I’ve become stronger since you invaded my life.  I have become more hopeful since you attacked.  I have become more full of joy.  I have come to appreciate my life more because of the difficulty you have tried to inflict on me .  I should say thank you, and I will, because we both know that you are not a welcome guest in my life, you are only an imbalance.  The imbalance will be changed soon.  I’m not afraid of you. 

When I die and see God, and I am going to say to Him, Than you, Lord.  It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it!


Shaiha said...

This is such a great post! I am going to share it with my husband who also suffers from depression.

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

Great post Mallory! We often never know what our friends struggle with!